Meant to Mentor

Imperfect Perceptions

“People are like chains, the closer they are, the stronger they become.”  – Federico Chini, The Sea Of Forgotten Memories

It’s hard to believe, but I realized this week that I’ve now known one of my dearest friends for a full decade. We met in an entirely different stage of life- ten years ago, we were both homeschooling our children, and we got together frequently on their behalf. (If you choose to homeschool young children, the bylaws do require this, because the number one, wide-eyed query you must always be prepared to answer is “But how will you socialize the children?”)

It’s a little bittersweet, but I find that I’m really enjoying the fact that we’ve now moved into a phase that allows us to connect just for us. Oh, sure, sometimes we’ll invite the kids along to hang out if they’d like, but many (most) times now, we don’t. They’re high school and college age, and they can do that for themselves.

Last week, during one of these visits, we were talking about the concept of mentoring, and I mentioned I’d done some reading on the topic and recalled some imagery about holding hands across generations. “The premise”, I assured her, “was really neat. Something about having two hands, one to reach forward to the generations ahead of you, and one to reach back to those coming behind. I’ll find the quote and send it to you.”

Well, I’m a liar. I’ve now been scouring the internet for a week, looking for mention of this concept… and can find no trace of it. I’ve discovered suggestions of the idea in a few different places, but I am beginning to suspect that I’ve absorbed several things and then created a mashup of the concepts in my own head. It does sound like something I’d do.

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Flight of Time

Imperfect Perceptions

“You know what’s weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon…everything’s different.” ― Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes

Years ago, when my children were small, I remember thinking that people with grown children, or even those with teens, had forgotten how challenging it was to deal with babies and toddlers. How hard it was to adjust your life and activities so completely around the needs of another person, and how you spent all your time worrying about their eating and sleeping routines or lack thereof.

This week, as I sat in the salon marinating in high-octane hair color (now necessary to cover my grey) I listened to two women discuss these very issues… and realized that I am now that person, the one who no longer appreciates the stresses of young motherhood.

But there was a second part to that realization, because my younger self was mistaken- older parents haven’t forgotten those challenges, it’s just that parenting teens and young adults makes us nostalgic for the simplicity of those early childhood issues.

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The Sound of Silence

Imperfect Perceptions

You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion. – Arthur Conan Doyle (Sherlock Holmes)

Twenty years ago, I scheduled a lunch to introduce two of my friends that had never met. It was a pleasant afternoon, full of good conversation and laughter, but there was one aspect of it that I found unusual and of particular interest.

Within the space of an hour, one of my friends found out things about the other that I had never discovered. Her talent for conversation impressed me then, and years later, I still admire it. She seems to know exactly the right questions to ask; gentle inquiries that uncover the very things people love to talk about or have a passion for- things that bring you true insight into their character. She does more than just put people at ease; you can actually see someone light up as they talk to her. It’s a joy to watch.

For a long time, I attributed this phenomenon to an uncanny ability to draw people out with the perfect topics of conversation. That’s partly true, but over time, I’ve discovered there’s more to her talent.

She also knows how and when to be quiet in conversation.

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Hold Your Water

Imperfect Perceptions

“There will be water if God wills it.” – Stephen King

This is one of my favorite quotes from The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and one I repeat to myself quite frequently in uncertain situations. To put the phrase in general context, it comes as a reply when one character asks another whether they will achieve their desired goal- and sooner, rather than later.

The response he receives is short and very simple. “There will be water if God wills it”. In other words, stop trying to control the situation; the things that are meant to be will happen in their own time.

Patience may be a virtue, but I can assure you that it’s not one I’m naturally gifted with. I’ve developed a better sense of equanimity as I’ve gotten older, but I’ll be the first to admit that I still really, really enjoy seeing a resolution to something that is troubling me- and sooner, rather than later. As such, I generally don’t do well with waiting or uncertainty. Of course, this tendency doesn’t exactly work with… well, you know… actual, day-to-day life.

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Worth Your Salt

Imperfect Perceptions

“Of all the horrid, hideous notes of woe, Sadder than owl-songs or the midnight blast; Is that portentous phrase, “I told you so.” – Lord Byron

“I told you so.”

Are those fighting words, or what?

It’s a terrible blow to the ego when you realize that you were wrong about something when you really, really wanted to be right. But it can get worse. So much worse. That injury is magnified exponentially when someone suggests to you that the reason you were wrong was due to shortsightedness, naïveté, or just plain stupidity. “If you’d just listened to me”, they say, “you wouldn’t be in this situation”.

Oh, you’ve got a wound? Here’s some salt for you.

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Out of Sight, Out of Mind

Imperfect Perceptions

“Because when some people are invisible, everyone suffers.” – Gloria Steinem

Several months ago, I was standing in my local fabric store, looking at miles and miles of fasteners, knowing I was far out of my creative depth. (To call my sewing skills “adequate” would be charitable, if I’m being honest.)

As I stood considering, a lady browsing nearby flagged down a store employee and requested help to find a specific item. The employee slowed just slightly and gestured vaguely toward where I stood, saying, “Oh, there’s probably something down there” before continuing past the woman.

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The Rule of 10- Minutes, Months and Years

Imperfect Perceptions

“Things which matter most must never be at the mercy of things which matter least.” ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

From an early age, my son has been a creature of habit; a kid who absolutely thrives on routine.  He is happiest when things remain constant, and works hard to ensure that each day closely mimics the one that came before. He reads the same book time after time, keeps his clothing selection to a bare minimum, and would be perfectly happy with a never-changing (if limited) menu of his favorite foods. There is no hidden daredevil in him; no rebel yearning to break free and change the world. He is, quite simply, happy with an uncomplicated life.

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Be Brave and Have Courage

Imperfect Perceptions

“Being brave doesn’t mean you aren’t scared. Being brave means you are scared, really scared, badly scared, and you do the right thing anyway.” ― Neil Gaiman

Life can often seem dark and filled with turmoil, and the challenges we face can sometimes terrify us or make us feel ineffectual, weak or broken. These moments are a part of all our lives, but negative emotions can trick us into thinking that their very existence means that we lack courage or strength.

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For the Love of Warm Socks

Imperfect Perceptions

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” – Leo Buscaglia

Many years ago, in the days of my misspent youth, I had a romantic relationship with a person who was a spectacularly ill-suited match for me in almost every way.

We did not share the same views, aspirations or beliefs, and the behaviors and treatment that I accepted then would never have a prayer of getting off the ground with me today. (To be fair, it was a team effort- I certainly contributed to the unhealthy dynamic we created, and I’d be a liar to claim otherwise.) Regardless, the relationship was nearly textbook in its dysfunction, and my older self pities the girl who believed that such was the nature of love.

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Treasure Lost- And Found

Imperfect Perceptions

“Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter: whoever finds one has found a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price; no amount can balance their worth.” (Sirach 6:14-15)

I’ve been blessed with many friendships in my life, and fortunate circumstances have allowed me the most interesting of connections, so wide and varied as the stars in the heavens, with people of different backgrounds and beliefs, in every corner of the world. 

Throughout the years, I’ve stayed in close contact with many of them- even those from whom I’m separated by oceans- sending and receiving stories and pictures that follow the progression of our lives.  Triumphs and tragedy flow like a current between our hearts and minds, as time brings change and washes through the detritus of life.

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